We made it! The first month of 2014 is quickly being consumed by the vortex. How has it been? Are your recommitments flourishing? Healthy lifestyle thriving? Traveling through the Bible progressing? I was feeling pretty good actually, and then the Holy Spirit lightly touched my shoulder and said, “Naw girl!” This was initially aggravated through a colleague who uttered a few words at the beginning of January that have attached themselves to my spirit. I shall never forget. She was speaking of someone else, but I knew it was divinely orchestrated for me as she uttered, “You have an inability to recover, and that will make for a very unhappy life.” Moi? The plot thickens. In conversation with a sister friend, in relation to a mutual friend that did something disappointing to me, she shared, “You really need to move past that.” I told her of my epiphany of my “inability to recover” and she smiled. She said, “Yeah, you should work on that.” Dang, just when I thought I had all my bases covered for 2014, enter one more thing to add to my plate.
I’ve never professed to be perfect. In fact, I share many of my flaws with others. I hope that my transparency will assist someone else in avoiding my pitfalls. I pride myself in being self-aware, and yet this revelation erupted in my very core unlike any other characteristic brought to my attention. Anyone gets upset at basic things not under our control, but I’m referring to profound disappointment in behavior exhibited by others that seem to impact me in methods that call me to silence. In the inability to gather words to express my disappointment, I become so deeply saddened and even when I attempt to emerge, I seem unable to comply. I am deflated, and unable to reconnect with the person or situation that I internally fled. And my colleague is right, I’m not doing a happy dance, but instead I’m steadfast, unmoveable, but so not much abounding.
It takes a big person to admit a mistake, but it takes a bigger person to assume action to right the wrong. Recovery involves restoration to a former or better condition. I don’t know where my inability to recover began. Perhaps it stems from as early as childhood and perpetuated through adulthood. What I know is that it has existed, but I’ve never had language to appropriately capture the essence of what I’ve felt until this month, this year. Given what I know now, I am reminded of Ahaziah in 2 Kings 1 after he was injured falling through the balcony railing on the rooftop of his house in Samaria. Notice, he (like I described) was injured. He desired to know whether he was going to recover from the fall. Instead of asking God who inhabited Israel, he sent his messengers to consult a pagan god. I reflected and thought, when I’ve been injured, its easy for me to consult myself, as opposed to the God that inhabits my very being. Because of Ahaziah’s disobedience and lack of trust in the accessible, all powerful God, he was told by Elijah, God’s messenger, that he would never get out of his bed alive. When I refuse to commune with God and allow him to sooth my disappointment, hurt, injury from another, I like Ahaziah, am electing to turn against the one who can move me from my bed of affliction and allow me to return to either normalcy or something greater. In the end, God’s Word spoken by Elijah prevailed. Ahaziah died, and never recovered.
I desire a different outcome. I don’t wish for my injury inflicted by others to keep me from “always abounding in the work of the Lord.” Through God, I have the power, the authority to recover myself so that I may remain in the space of abundant living. What will it require? It will require for me to let things go. To be liberated from situations, circumstances and folk whose actions if not released will call me to bondage. And if am I am a prisoner, how might I be about the business of liberating others through the love of Christ?
What will it take? Well, more than the exercise, healthier eating and sleep that I have profoundly spoken over my 2014. It will require much prayer and belief that God is able to handle my trouble far better than me. As I enter the second month of 2014, I’m grateful. Grateful for the Holy Spirit. Grateful for friends who speak truth. And grateful to God for his ability to heal my inability and cover me through my recovery.